Perimenopause- Tips on how to be a supportive partner.
Perimenopause or menopause transition is a biological process that comes on either; slowly by way of the natural hormone shifts, or abruptly by way of medical procedures or processes. During perimenopause, women will have their own unique experiences in physical, emotional, and mental shifts, which can bring on symptoms they may find challenging. Common experiences include; low libido, pain during intercourse, hot flashes, night sweats, sadness or depression, and mood swings that can range from; Meno-rage or intense irritability (I call my Meno-rage 'She-Hulk' If only my skin would turn green too) to crying spells. She may not feel as attractive during this time as her physical body may change in ways that can challenge her self-body image and acceptance. These things can impact her ability to be fully present in a relationship. But please, don't take this personally. Taking the initiative to learn how to support your partner during this time will not only help her but also you and your relationship.
There are many ways to support your partner and yourself during the menopause transition. I have a few tips on how to support your partner ad yourself. These tips were inspired by the concepts from 'The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills.
Words said and heard- be kind, empathetic, compassionate with words, and listen from your heart.
Good communication is especially important during perimenopause. When a woman experiences mood swings (irritability, crying spells, anxiety, depression, etc.), loss of sex drive (libido), and many other symptoms, these can challenge how she feels and sees herself. Using kind words to reassure her she is beautiful and amazing may provide the uplift she needs in those low moments. Women want to feel reassured their partners still value them. Adding to the challenges that can affect her personally, they can also challenge her relationships. Women may feel they have no control over their behavior, which can be hard on their partner and relationship. She may come to you with apologies, or she may express how she doesn't understand why she is behaving the way she is. This is where the door to communication opens. With loving, supportive words and conversations (to yourself and your partner), you may both find the comfort and support that is needed.
It isn't personal- be understanding, sympathetic, accepting, and patient.
Women want their partners to know that they should not take things too personally during this time. It seems like a contradiction to expect partners to be 'as loving as possible when a woman is in Meno-rage mode (She-Hulk), however, these are the moments when women want their partners to understand, it isn't personal. Understanding and accepting the changes that are happening (which are biological) may feel at times like being on a 6-Flags roller coaster ride with a lot of twists, turns, high points, a death drop or two, and a few dull spots, you and your partner may feel out of balance. Again, this can also feel uncomfortable for partners who are also going through personal midlife challenges. Just have some patience and know, the ride doesn't last forever and what comes after the ride can be amazing. By understanding the changes and challenges are biological and not personal; you can be more sympathetic, supportive, attentive, tolerant, patient, and able to keep those channels of communication open.
Knowledge can be healing- don't make assumptions about perimenopause
Most women don't know or understand what is happening during perimenopause. There may be assumptions that a woman knows what is happening to her during this time. Or assumptions that there is adequate help for her to relieve her symptoms. Unfortunately, women are not taught about this stage of life and most health practitioners are not educated in this area either. There may also be an assumption that her partner just 'gets it' and will provide the support. This also touches on the lack of education provided on perimenopause. Knowledge can be healing if both partake in learning about perimenopause. This can help in understanding why a woman is feeling the way she is, appreciate the difficulties that come with perimenopause, and develop a deeper empathy. In addition, knowing the signs and symptoms can help partners better prepare themselves for those moments when perimenopause may be challenging in the relationship.
Show up in your best- moments of empathy and compassion for you and your partner
Most women who are experiencing or have experienced perimenopause will agree the biggest support their partner provided (or didn't) was when they showed up in their best providing empathy and compassion for the challenges she was going through. When they provided a needed hug, cleaned the house, took care of a stressful task, helped her have a moment to take a nap, gave a foot or shoulder massage, sat and talked with her, or just listened when she needed to just let it out (remember, don't take things personally). There are many ways in which you can show up in your best, and these may change from moment to moment. Keep in mind, you are a human who also goes through challenges and struggles, and these can affect your ability to show up in your best. Understanding yourself, how to support yourself so you can show up as your best self is important. You can't be empathetic, compassionate, or patient if you don't do the work to take care of your health (mind, body, and spirit). Showing up in your best, not only shows empathy, compassion, and support for your partner, but also yourself.
Supporting women during perimenopause is an important part of their health and wellness. By supporting your partner, you are letting her know she is valued, loved, and relevant (many women may feel this stage of life means they no longer have relevance and will be insignificant). She will also know she is safe; this can take the pressure off of her to try and hide her symptoms, act as if everything is still fine, ignore her symptoms, or feel that her symptoms may impact her relationships
Here are a few resources that may be helpful:
https://www.thefouragreements.com/articles/
https://womenlivingbetter.org/hormonal-changes/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/?hl=en
